FLASHBACK POST: This was originally published in 2009 on my former blog. My children were 7, 5, 2, and 6 months old. I was tired and stressed out when I wrote it.
This post is part of a series of Flashback Friday Posts from my former blog. I hope these posts encourage and inspire those of you who are still in the trenches with little ones.
If there is an end of the rope, I have reached it.
And I hesitate to write it out, but honest emotions are easier to capture in the moment rather than later when you have regained your sanity.
It’s not that I want to remember this time.
Yet, I do. Because someone else will be here one day and I want to say, “Oh yeah, I recall how that felt. You aren’t alone!” But I’ll forget how bad it really was if I don’t record it.
So here at sit at my wit’s end, taking some time to type it out.
I have hit the wall. It’s the one I hit at during the first year of every baby’s life. This wall leaves me banging and banging as I try to make progress but realize that so much of my life is just circular.
Wash the laundry. Fold the laundry. Put away the laundry. Repeat.
Feed the baby. Change the baby. Sleep the baby. Repeat.
Vacuum the floor. Wipe the floor. Clear the table. Load the dishes. Empty the dishes. Repeat.
Get up. Get showered. Feed children. Play with children. Hold off impending disasters. Solve sibling conflict. Clean up messes. Feed children. Repeat.
It’s not that it is all bad. I love being a mom. I love everyone of these little people in my house.
But it is hard when you are sleep deprived, stuck in the house with a napping infant, and trying to accomplish something.
And most of what you accomplish is immediately undone. And much of what you want to accomplish is stuck as an idea in your head because there is no time to do it.
Finally. I hit the wall.
Life quickly piled up on me and I found myself in tears throughout the day. I know things will be okay. I have been here before. I know this season will pass, but I have yet to reach the light at the end of this particular tunnel.
So what did I do?
I prayed. I just asked God to take all of the things “bugging me” off my mind and help me focus on my children. We sat and played play-doh, set up Geo Trax, and enjoyed some good books. It didn’t make my frustrations go away, but God helped me refocus this week and make it through.
I cried. Because sometimes you just need to.
I hit the mall because that has always helped me. My little Daniel sleeps so well at home that we rarely go out. This is hard because I am a get out and go kind of gal.
I decided on Tuesday morning to pack up all four kids, hit the mall for a snack, enjoy the seasonal decorations, and then say hi to Santa while no one was there. We had a great time and it was clear that the older three children needed out as much as their mommy.
I emailed a few friends and let them know what was going on. They prayed for me and sent me all kinds of wonderful words of encouragement and wisdom.
I took a mental health day, as per my husband’s gracious instructions. And that is where I sit right now finishing this blog post. It is Friday at 4:05 PM and I am finally done my list of “have to” and am sitting here with a cinnamon chip scone doing what I want to do.
So I am going to type a few blog posts for this neglected blog, read some more in my bible, and enjoy this strawberry smoothie.
Then I’ll go home to my tired and wonderful husband to relax for the evening. And I have no doubt there will be four little ones there waiting for me.
And I can’t wait to see them.